Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

Got this list a while back and think some of them are classic…granted if you actually said most of these, you would be asked to have your desk cleaned out by the time lunch rolls around.

Doesn’t mean they don’t go through your head. In no particular order, here you go. I personally like #3, #10, #35.

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!… Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
38. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
39. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen
asleep yet.
40. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
41. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
43. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
44. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
45. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
46. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
47. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Lyrical Confusion…

Can’t speak for anyone else, but I tend to make up words to songs if I don’t know the lyrics. Sometimes I am close, sometimes I am way off…’Wrapped up like a douche’ comes to mind. Makes perfect sense.

Another one that comes to mind is the song Tiny Dancer by Elton John. I do know that the real lyrics are ‘Hold me closer, tiny dancer’ but have heard ‘Hold me closer, Tony Danza’ and ‘Hold me close, I’m tired of dancin’ as well.

Other mistaken lyrics could be:

• ‘My anus is the center hole’ when it’s really ‘My angel is the centerfold’. (Centerfold by J. Geils Band)
• ‘There’s a bathroom on the right’ when it’s ‘There’s a bad moon on the rise’. (Bad Moon by CCR)
• ‘I had my first real sex dream’ when it’s ‘I got my first real six string’ (Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams)
• ‘You make the rice, I’ll make the gravy’ when it’s ‘You may be right, I may be crazy’. (You May Be Right by Billy Joel)
• ‘All that she wants, is another bagel’ when it’s ‘All that she wants, is another baby’. (All That She Wants by Ace of Base)
• ‘Scuse me, while I kiss this guy’ when it’s ‘Scuse me, while I kiss the sky’. (Purple Haze by Hendrix)
• ‘I want a duck shaped like a triangle…you gave a toaster to Bob’ when it’s ‘I want to f*** you like an animal…you kept me closer to God’. (Closer by Nine Inch Nails)

At any rate, I’m sure all of us have songs we are CERTAIN we are singing correctly, but in reality, we aren’t even close. This clip attached to this entry was sent to me yesterday and is pretty funny…the whole song is really one confusing lyric that I have never tried to decypher.

For shits and giggles, if you have songs/lyrics that you have always gotten wrong, leave a reply/comment on what it is so others can mock you.

Snow Ordinance in Minneapolis Can Kiss it…

Saturday night I got towed while parked on a street in the Warehouse District of Minneapolis. Fine, I was on the wrong side of the street, whatever. That’s annoying by itself, but the steps taken to get your car back is pathetic.

I take a cab to the Minneapolis impounding lot and as we’re nearing the building, I see people standing outside. I thought ‘oh great, there is a line, this could take longer than I expected…’

I get out, light up a cigarette and start chatting with others around me about how crazy it is how many people are in line (at this time there is at least 100 in front of me…). I’m standing there and hour and my feet are beginning to hurt (it’s about 15 degrees by the way) and I’ve only moved about 20 feet. I start contemplating just saying ‘fuck it’ and leaving and coming back later, but I’ve already wasted an hour…plus how much longer would I have to wait?

Two hours roll by and I’m still not even inside the building…and the line behind me keeps getting longer and longer. I’m guessing at this point, there are 200+ people in line to get their cars back.

A little after waiting outside for two hours, I finally get inside a door…not THE door, but a small shitty building BEFORE you get into the real building. Stand in there about 30 minutes not moving, then after about 3 hours, I get into the building and notice a queue of people still waiting…so I’m still pissed at how long this is taking…but at least I’m inside. What is annoying at this point is that there are only 4-5 employees helping people out…why wouldn’t they get double that amount when they know there are going to be a ton of people getting towed for a snow ordinance?

Anyway, I finally get to the window, the woman is friendly, I pay by $138, grab my other $34 ticket I have to pay within two weeks and then think I’m all set. But no…I walk around the corner and we are in another line now…a line for people to take us TO our cars because this lot is so fucking gigantic you could get lost for days. So I wait for another 20-30 minutes to get a ride to my car.

As I’m leaving the lot, I see the line of people is now double the size as when I first got there. Those poor people would have waited about 6 hours I’m sure.

It was nice to see people making snowballs and hurling them with some nice obscenities attached at tow trucks that were still carting in cars and trucks every 15 seconds.

A buddy of mine also got towed and called the impound lot today to see if there was a line and they told him it was just as bad today as it was yesterday. That’s unbelievable.

The latest count is that close to 2000 cars were towed in Minneapolis on Saturday night. That’s a nice $500,000 stimulus payment the citizens just gave you, kind city!

Creepy Intern Steve…

We have an intern at our office named Steve. I actually was one of the people that interviewed him for the position and thought he would be a great addition to the team. God was I wrong.

Does anyone else have an intern that you thought would turn out to be great, only to find out later that they are certifiably insane? I am to the point I am worried for my life and safety and I know that Amy, Allison and Annette are all on board with me. They are my other cube mates.

Ok…right now…right this second as I’m typing this, he just stood up and peered over my cube wall and just stared at me and didn’t say anything or smile…then after about 15 awkward seconds, he said ‘you wanna hang out after work?…i know where you live…’. Creepy right?

I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt because Allison, mentioned above, has a crush on him. She defends him daily and you can tell when they look at each other there is a spark. They are meant for each other.

Here is a picture of him…if you are ever in a position where he is interviewing for a job, run away…

P.S. I’m joking…Steve is a great intern, although his affection for farm animals causes some eyebrow raising…but to each their own. I don’t judge.

The Snuggie: America’s Latest Shitty Fad

You’ve all seen the late night infomercial where the lady is really cold on the couch, her blanket is too short to cover her body, it’s annoying, you don’t want to turn up your heat, blankets in general are annoying…etc. Then BAM! You get a glimpse of the Snuggie…a huge, tarp-size fleece ‘thing’ that you can put your arms through and walk around the house, answer the phone, roast marshmallows, etc.

There is a reason this was an infomercial that was on at 3:00 a.m…it’s a stupid product that an alarming amount of consumers are actually falling for…not that it’s expensive. You can get one of the eyesores for $19.99 and get one free.

I don’t understand the public sometimes. This is a dolled up robe that you just put on backwards…and you look like a fool. Don’t think that you don’t…you do.

Below is a link to their website. Check out the commercial for it.

But if I find out that this blog had anything to do with someone purchasing one of these glorified blankets with armslots, I will personally hunt you down and make you wear the piece of shit to work. But be careful if you are outside, the things are so big if a gust of wind comes up, you’ll be airborne and look like a flying squirrel.

www.getsnuggie.com

 

This is what the product looks like...and the morons that buy them.

Also…here is a YouTube clip parody of the actual commercial. Pretty funny.

Band you need to know…Dr. Dog

Thanks to a coworker of mine, as well as my brother who is always on the up and up of new bands, I found Dr. Dog. For those of you who have not heard of them, you need to.

The best way I can describe them is a 1960’s feel, a la The Beatles and The Band.

Take a listen to this track from their album Fate. Good shit people, trust me.

Open Letter to Larry the Cable Guy from David Cross

David Cross, one of the stars of the sadly cancelled ‘Arrested Development’, published an open letter to Larry the Cable Guy a little over a year ago in response to comments Larry made in Rolling Stone. I first heard of this while on a weekend trip with my brother and buddy’s Erik, Moose, Renee and Berk in Okoboji. It had us all rolling.

Enjoy:

http://www.bobanddavid.com/2007/10/an_open_letter_to_larry_the_ca.html

After a couple of months…I’m back

If you don’t know me, I have A.D.D. ..seriously. I’m known for getting my mind all wrapped up into something, going forth full speed, only to lose interest and then just forget what I was doing. Hence me not posting on this blog for a few months. When the hell was my last post anyway? I’m too lazy to look it up. See…A.D.D.!!

One of my 2009 New Year’s resolutions is to keep posting…at least once a week. Not that you care, but I don’t care what you think either. If I did, I’d have you on my blogroll.

Here are some more new year’s resolutions I have taken upon myself. I think it’s a guarantee that all of them won’t be fulfilled. Maybe we should lay some bets down to make things interesting…

1-Just for today, I resolve to not sit in my apartment in my boxerbriefs all night. I shall move my computer into my bedroom. (this resolution was fulfilled at 1:15 am)

2-I resolve to not use the staples, the mainstays, the ‘go to’s’ for being late for work…I shall come up with new excuses.

3-I resolve to not use ‘lol’ or other junior high level language when conversing on the internet.

4-I will cut my hair

5-I will grow my hair

6-I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they don’t consider mine — if that guy has a huge nose hair protruding from the nostral cavity, i’ll tell him so. (Thanks for that by the way Benny…you’re a good friend)

7-I will read less

8-I will drink. Not as much as Bristle, but still…

9-I will start an exercise regimine.

10-I will end said exercise regimine after a week. LOL! (Dammit…)

There you go…the latest entry in The Cornballer. Stay tuned. The next post will be an interesting topic…I just have to think of it.

Peace

Bill O’Reilly Part III (last one…??)

This is a hilarious REMIX of the clip below…make sure you watch that other clip first and then this one.

My cousin Mike Menefee could have done this better, but it’s not bad.

Bill O’Reilly Part II

I couldn’t resist sending this short clip from when O’Reilly was a host on Inside Edition.

This guy is a nutjob!